The Red and Black

Issue date: 9/30/97 Section: Undefined Section

My roommate and I are kinda on the outs with the cable compa- ny. We finally got tired of all the hassle and canceled cable. Now, I know there are plenty of you who are wondering if life with- out TV is even possible. Well, it is. I'm an avid reader, so I decided this would be a great chance to really catch up on my favorite pas- time. So I ventured into my local grocery store and perused the magazine covers. I wasn't really sure about which magazine to read until one headline caught my eye. "How to Achieve the Big O in 4 Easy Steps." Wow, I thought. The one thing that is really lacking is my Organizational Skills. This magazine is going to change my life. I happily took my purchase up to the cash register. The 40-year-old woman ringing up my purchase looked like she had seen way too many smart- mouthed college students in her days. I decided I was going to make up for all that. "Hi!" I said cheerily. "I'm going to learn all about the Big O!" She just stared. The teenage boy bagging my groceries started dry heaving because he was laughing so hard. I guess I must look like the unorganized type. It wasn't until I got home that I realized what the Big O really was! And let me tell you - it ain't organizational skills. After my initial mortification wore off (Well, it really never wore off because there is a certain gro- cery store I can no longer patron- ize), I took a look at women's mag- azines. I don't know where I have been or what rock I have been under, but I never realized how much women's magazines talk about sex. Maybe it's because I grew up in a small town. But I swear that I thought orgasm meant "all living things." Orgasm - organism, it was all the same to me. That is until Cosmo set me straight. I didn't know they were even allowed to print things like that. I'm not going to tell you what they wrote because my mama would slap me silly. But I can tell you this: I can no longer eat food wrapped in Saran Wrap, whip cream makes me want to throw up, and Hanes-Her-Way has taken on a whole new meaning. But Cosmo isn't the only cul- prit. All women's magazines are. Do they think we won't buy it if it doesn't have "Sex" or "Orgasm" plastered across the cover? I mean, there are certain parts of my body that I don't want to see a full-page diagram of. I think God would have put them in plain view if he wanted me to see it. But we have learned in our journalism classes how important art is for any story. The magazines are just following the rules. I guess my embarrassment is not going to be sufficient to change the status quo, so I have come up with a few magazine headlines myself. (Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!) Hot Pasta and Hotter Sex: Will you ever be able to say "noodle" without giggling again? Getting an 'A' for your 'Big O': Have a good time and learn the alphabet. The Fourth of July Picnic: Old Glory's a-waving and the fire- works are blazing! The "Ex Files": Can you really take the 'ex' out of sex?

– Alice Coggin is a staff writer for The Red and Black. Women's magazines interested in hiring her should contact her here.

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