The Red and Black

Not too long ago I was talking to this girl I used to work with. She was getting ready to go to college, and I asked her where she was going to go. She said, "Either yadda, yadda, yadda, or Georgia Tech."

I must have perked up and given her a constipated look, because she sure as hell gave one back. "What was that look for?" she asked. I said, "What look?" And she said, "The look you just gave me when I said Georgia Tech."

First of all, said "look" was unintentional, but it made me think about what particular grudge I hold against our in-state brethren, and why.

I don't hate Tech as a school, nor any of its students as people. But I like this girl, and I don't want to see her do anything foolish. But she persisted, "What's wrong with Tech?" After careful deliberation, this is the piece of knowledge I offered: "They're nerds."

Let that record show I have wet my pants more recently than I have called someone a nerd. But in this case, I could find no better name. "You mean they're all smart?" she asked.

"No, dear," I told her, "but that's what they would have you believe. You see, 'nerd,' as a legitimate term, does not mean someone is smart. Not all smart people are nerds. And not all nerds are smart people. Look at the 'The Simpsons,' Milhouse van Houten is a nerd, but he's not smart. Martin Prince is smart, and he is a nerd. Tech is a delectable mix of Milhouse and Martin."

I told her about the 7-1 male-to female-ratio. And she said, "That's better numbers than UGA. More selection for me." Selection. An interesting term. So I said, "Let me give you a hypothetical scenario. You have two baskets of apples. In the first there are four apples, and they are all red and shiny and beautiful. In the second, there are 100 apples. But they're nerdy and don't like beer and get their sexual stimulation from the Internet. Which basket would you want to select from, honey?"

She pointed out that I was being really condescending. I took my hands off my hips and stopped calling her honey. "But baby," I said, "don't you care about football?" "No," she said. I skipped a lengthy discussion about football, but I still pointed out that Tech football sucks. Then I put her in a chicken wing and made her say it too.

"How many people from Tech do you actually know?" she asked.

"You remember that guy from high school who said to his whole science class, 'One day you'll all be sorry! You'll all pay'?" Well, he goes to Tech. Remember the guy who got caught masturbating in the gym shower? He goes to Tech. And remember that guy who always boasted about how hard he could party, and to prove it he drank a beer in the bathroom and then puked in first period? He goes to Tech." She remembered every last one.

"And dammit," I told her, "you're cute. You going to Tech is like Darth Vader going to a Jedi training school. It just isn't fair to the other girls." I mustered up a tear, just for effect. But I think I lost her at Darth Vader.

– Blake McCormick is a junior in telecommunications.

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