The Red and Black

To the University of Georgia Class of 2009 (or 2010, or 2011, we’re not judging you) — congratulations.

First, on surviving move-in day and the traditional party overload that started the moment your parents went back to Metro Atlanta.

You’re all from metro Atlanta, right?

And congrats again, because the fact you picked up a newspaper and are reading it voluntarily separates you from your high school classmates who attended other schools in the SEC.

Don’t let the fact that some of their schools are ranked higher than yours trouble you. After all, it’s only the pre-season.

Besides, football rivalries aren’t that big a deal.

Don’t get me wrong, football is a big deal. It’s a huge deal. To believe anything else in this town is sacrilege.

But rivalries are silly and fleeting; they come and go. No one even knows who our biggest threat is now that Steve Spurrier is a Gamecock, and we finally beat the Gators.

After all, why waste your precious negative energy on out-of-state enemies when there are far more dangerous threats here in Athens?

Learn quickly young grasshoppers. Your greatest foe for the next five years resides not in Gainesville, Fla., but at 80 Carlton Street.

They operate under the alias “Parking Services.”

Well, the people who work there are nice, but Parking Services is an entity which exists to exploit you, take your parents’ hard-earned money and possibly your soul.

Anytime you park anywhere on campus except in your designated spot, you will receive a $40 parking ticket. To put this in perspective, a similar offense off campus will cost you $3 or maybe $5.

After Parking Services, the next biggest threat to happy University life is the Athens- Clarke County Police Department.

The University Police are fairly civil. They will not harass you, unless you live on campus.

Oh wait, you all live on campus. Thanks for taking up all the housing, jerks.

Just don’t do anything stupid — like smoke marijuana in the extremely well-lit porch in front of Bolton (bad), steal your roommate’s credit card and buy things off the Internet (very bad) or drive drunk (very, very bad) — and the 5-0 will leave you well alone.

Besides, it’s all been done.

The ACCPD is another story. They are lean, mean and ready to ticket you for driving past the same point downtown three times in a row trying to find a parking space.

Give it up — you’ll never find one anyway.

Furthermore, as a student here, you are required to hate University President Michael Adams (presumably for sacking former Athletic Director Vince Dooley), the Clarke County Commission (just use the phrase “unfriendly to students”) and all your professors who lecture on the first day of class.

They aren’t supposed to do that. They’re supposed to give you the syllabus and let you go.

Well, good luck. I left the number for Domino’s and a check by the phone, leave a note if you go anywhere and try not to mix pure grain alcohol and fire.

And Go Dawgs.

— Jessica Kennedy is the recruitment editor for the Red and Black.

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