The Red and Black

Issue date: 9/1/06 Section: Variety

Dear PT,

I've been dating a girl for a few weeks, and while everything about her seems great, just the other night I noticed something that's made me reconsider my feelings. She has a mustache. It's only noticeable in certain light from a certain angle - but it's just enough to make me uncomfortable when I'm kissing her. How can I talk to her about this, or is this completely impossible to address lightly?

- Hung Up On Hair

 

Dear Hung Up - and every other guy out there wondering the same thing, I'll take the bullet on this one.

A public service announcement needs to be made to some of the ladies out there. I have had numerous friends over the years complain about this phenomenon, but none of them have ever had the cajones to actually confront their better halves.

I feel it is my journalistic duty to publicly address this issue on behalf of the male population.

Some of you ladies have facial hair - usually located on the upper lip, between the eyebrows and ever so rarely on the chin.

We're not trying to hate on your genetic predispositions. All we're asking is that you take some cosmetic responsibility to alleviate our childish insecurities. Pluck it, wax it, Nair it, burn it off with acid for all we care; just please make it go away, because the truth of the matter is; if we wanted to feel a mustache while making out with somebody, we'd date other dudes - and perhaps some of you who enjoy the she-stache should consider this a possibility.

Now, some of you girls will read this and won't think I'm talking to you.

Here's the test - Look in the mirror. Take a good, close look at your chin or upper lip. Did you see hair?

If you said, "no," look again, because you probably just lied to yourself. It's okay. For a long time, body odor was a big taboo to talk about. Now it's perfectly OK to talk about it.

Hopefully, one day female facial hair will be just as casual an issue. Please don't think I'm picking on you and don't know what it's like.

You're not alone in having to deal with this problem. Many of us males - who either prefer or are preferred to be clean-shaven - have to partake in the dreadful daily - or weekly if we can get away with it - ritual of facial shaving.

Nonetheless, we get rid of the hair because we love you and aim to impress. We are immensely appreciative of the ridiculous extent to which many of you already go in order to impress us, but if you're going to do something, do it right and don't half-ass it.

Hate on me all you want, but it will only prove that I'm right and that this is in fact a widely known, yet rarely addressed issue.

Don't bother asking your boyfriends. They will lie to you.

I, on the other hand, couldn't care less about your feelings.

For every girl who reads this and gets upset or offended, there's a guy laughing his ass off or telling me thanks.

It's funny - because it's true.

 

Dear Kelly,

A couple of nights ago I was over at my girlfriend's house and to my great surprise, I discovered she had a hair growing out of her nipple.

She actually had a couple of these, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know about them.

I feel like kind of like a jerk, but it really bothers me.

My question actually has three parts -

a) Is this normal?

b) How do I tell her nicely to get rid of the hair without embarrassing her?

c) Is it OK for me to tell her to get rid of the hair?

Any help you could give me - immediately please - would be greatly appreciated.

- A Tit Bit Nipply

 

Dear Nipply,

To answer the first part of your question, you have to keep in mind that we are a species descended from apes.

Apes have hairy titties. They actually have hairy everything. So, it shouldn't be too big of a surprise that your girlfriend has a few nipple hairs.

Your mother probably has a few of them as well, but hopefully your memories of them are so foggy that you cannot recall whether this is true or not.

I would say your girlfriend's nipple hairs are the least of your problems.

Since this area is tender, shaving the hair is probably not a smart choice.

If she wants to rid herself of these beasties, a small pair of scissors would be her best - and safest - option.

However, I feel that you might freak her out if you scissor the hair while she's sleeping. Before I figure out a way to tell you how to solve this dilemma, I have to ask, how groomed are you?

Are you slippery as a seal? Is your body totally bald? How sexy are your nipples?

If you feel confident in your body hair maintenance, you will be ready for her certain retaliation.

So how do you tell her?

My suggestion of ways not to tell her!

a) Do not mention her hairy chest while watching nature programs. As in, "Hey, that grizzly bear's boobs kind of remind me of-"

b) Do not mention the nipples during a dental floss commercial or try to be funny by saying, "I flossed last night - in your bed"

c) Do not glare at her when she encourages you to eat spinach because it "puts hair on your chest."

With these guidelines in mind, it is time to tell her - if this is really causing you this much discomfort.

It might be a good idea to tell her while you are both in a goofy mood.

Maybe next time she is running her hand through your chest thicket, you could do the same.

Then you could stop - pretend like it isn't a big deal - and say, "Oh my gosh, you have a hair!"

Be funny and sweet and ask if she'd like you to trim it. She will probably be a little bit embarrassed, but if you pretend like it is no big deal, she'll probably continue to take her shirt off in front of you - but do some trimming.

Or maybe you could ask her sometime what she thinks about your body hair. She will expect your comments about hers.

You could say something like, "I think you're gorgeous. Your curves are perfect, I love your smile, blah blah blah."

Then you could say, "I wouldn't change a thing." Later on, once she starts kissing you, you could just happen to come across a nipple hair and mention it to her.

Delicately suggest that she remove it. Remember through all of this you do not have to be cruel to be kind.

Be honest, but be sneaky. The sooner you do this, the better.

I don't want you pushing this girl away just because she's a little bit on the furry side.

And remember - even the most magnificent mountains are not without a bit of shrubbery.

 

If you have any questions of your own for PT or Kelly, please send them to pumphress@randb.com or kskinner@randb.com.

Send all hate mail to opinions@randb.com.

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