Spring Break
No secrets: pregnancy, drugs and relationships
Dating Decoded with Kelly and PT
KELLY SKINNER & PT UMPHRESS
Issue date: 1/19/07 Section: Variety
- Page 1 of 1
Dear Kelly,
Should I tell my current boyfriend that I've had an abortion before?
- Blast from the Past
Dear Blast,
This decision, like the one that preceded it, is totally up to you. You are in no way required to tell the guy you are dating now that you had an abortion in the past. The abortion was your personal decision, and revealing that decision also is a matter of personal preference.
You need to ask yourself why you want to tell him this. Do you want to marry him? Do you want to have his child? Is he against abortion? Do you just hate keeping things from him?
If these questions are bullying your thoughts, please take a little bit more time to think things over before you tell him.
This news may change everything between the two of you. Even if he isn't against abortion, he may not be "all about it" when it comes to his own girlfriend.
Please know that I am not attacking your boyfriend or his ability to care. Be aware that he is human, and by revealing such a doozie totally out of the blue, you are going to get a reaction.
He might be distant for a couple of days. He might be closer to you after the news (since you have revealed something so personal to him). He might break up with you. Any number of things could happen depending on the reasons why you tell him and the way you tell him.
If it is weighing on your mind that you have a secret you want to tell and can't stand living another day without him knowing, let him know. Just be prepared for an emotional follow-up.
You followed through with your original decision to have an abortion. You saw this as the right choice for you. You can't change your decision. What matters is that you do what you feel is right and that you continue to love yourself, despite what your boyfriend's reaction may be to the revelation of your personal history.
Tell him or don't - either choice comes with benefits and pitfalls. Choose the one that will work best for you and then run with it.
- Kelly
Dear PT,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and I just found out that he sells drugs. My friends say I should break up with him, but we have been through so much and I think I can change him. He loves me and will do anything for me.
- Dealing with Dealer
Dear Dealing,
It isn't dealing drugs that's specifically the problem. That's a conflict between him and the law.
Your conflict is with wanting to change something about him, and it could just as easily be any other lifestyle preference or personality trait of his.
Yes, you might be able to persuade him to change - love is a hell of a motivator - but you should know that real love is loving someone for exactly who they are (imperfections included), not changing them into someone you can love more easily. People who truly change do so by their own volition, not external pressure.
One of two things is seriously wrong here, and neither is an indicator of a healthy relationship. Either (a) your boyfriend is such a phenomenal liar that for two years he's been able to hide something this big from you, or (b) you are so detached from him or so horribly unperceptive that something like this could fly below your radar.
If your boyfriend is a long-term liar because he knew there was something about him that you wouldn't be able to forgive and live with, then the answer is obvious: you two are not compatible and he has honesty issues. The pieces do not fit together, and you shouldn't try to force them.
- PT
Editor's Note: Got questions for PT and Kelly? Send them to pumphress@randb.com or kskinner@randb.com.
Should I tell my current boyfriend that I've had an abortion before?
- Blast from the Past
Dear Blast,
This decision, like the one that preceded it, is totally up to you. You are in no way required to tell the guy you are dating now that you had an abortion in the past. The abortion was your personal decision, and revealing that decision also is a matter of personal preference.
You need to ask yourself why you want to tell him this. Do you want to marry him? Do you want to have his child? Is he against abortion? Do you just hate keeping things from him?
If these questions are bullying your thoughts, please take a little bit more time to think things over before you tell him.
This news may change everything between the two of you. Even if he isn't against abortion, he may not be "all about it" when it comes to his own girlfriend.
Please know that I am not attacking your boyfriend or his ability to care. Be aware that he is human, and by revealing such a doozie totally out of the blue, you are going to get a reaction.
He might be distant for a couple of days. He might be closer to you after the news (since you have revealed something so personal to him). He might break up with you. Any number of things could happen depending on the reasons why you tell him and the way you tell him.
If it is weighing on your mind that you have a secret you want to tell and can't stand living another day without him knowing, let him know. Just be prepared for an emotional follow-up.
You followed through with your original decision to have an abortion. You saw this as the right choice for you. You can't change your decision. What matters is that you do what you feel is right and that you continue to love yourself, despite what your boyfriend's reaction may be to the revelation of your personal history.
Tell him or don't - either choice comes with benefits and pitfalls. Choose the one that will work best for you and then run with it.
- Kelly
Dear PT,
My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years and I just found out that he sells drugs. My friends say I should break up with him, but we have been through so much and I think I can change him. He loves me and will do anything for me.
- Dealing with Dealer
Dear Dealing,
It isn't dealing drugs that's specifically the problem. That's a conflict between him and the law.
Your conflict is with wanting to change something about him, and it could just as easily be any other lifestyle preference or personality trait of his.
Yes, you might be able to persuade him to change - love is a hell of a motivator - but you should know that real love is loving someone for exactly who they are (imperfections included), not changing them into someone you can love more easily. People who truly change do so by their own volition, not external pressure.
One of two things is seriously wrong here, and neither is an indicator of a healthy relationship. Either (a) your boyfriend is such a phenomenal liar that for two years he's been able to hide something this big from you, or (b) you are so detached from him or so horribly unperceptive that something like this could fly below your radar.
If your boyfriend is a long-term liar because he knew there was something about him that you wouldn't be able to forgive and live with, then the answer is obvious: you two are not compatible and he has honesty issues. The pieces do not fit together, and you shouldn't try to force them.
- PT
Editor's Note: Got questions for PT and Kelly? Send them to pumphress@randb.com or kskinner@randb.com.
Viewing Comments 1 - 1 of 1
Nick Warlick
posted 1/21/07 @ 2:18 PM EST
I love these.
"and I think I can change him."
You can't -- end of story. Those are the famous last words of jilted lovers all over the world. You're better off letting him buy you lots of free stuff with the drug money or dropping him. (Continued…)
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