The Red and Black

Issue date: 10/19/07 Section: Opinions

MICHAEL JONES

In response to Chris Chiego's Oct. 16 column, "Students too apathetic for local problems," I, too, am outraged at the way the students at this school are not responding to the water shortage. Typical.

Although, it seems like the conservation of water is more of an inaction than an action - as in, don't take a shower, don't flush the toilet - so I'm not sure how we could actually see whether this is taking place. But never mind that.

I have accepted your challenge, Mr. Chiego, and thought up some really great ways to use our academic acumen to actively fight the water shortage.

Attention all you lazy chemistry majors: I was told by a professor that water is made up of two very common elements - hydrogen and oxygen.

So how about figuring out a way to fuse these two elements together and create some water? I understand hydrogen and oxygen are common elements found in the very air we breathe. Get off your couches and fire up the Bunson burner. If we can't save our water, we'll just make some - easy.

If this plan doesn't work, however, I have some great conservation tips that are a bit less "cheeky" than those of The Red & Black. Let's isolate the major users of water in our town and determine on what grounds they deserve to indulge.

First, shower takers: If you really feel the need to be clean you can buy some hand sanitizer and kill 99.9 percent of the germs on your entire body in five seconds. Next.

Toilets and sinks: Have some fun and pretend you're camping out. An orange shovel can be purchased at Charbon's Outfitters. Go "number one" in the Middle Oconee River (every drop counts, right?).

And sinks? Go brush your teeth outside, or just chew Orbit gum.

Plants: Did you know that millions of gallons of water are used by trees and grass? If we chopped down most of the trees on North Campus, the little rain we get wouldn't be wasted on inanimate objects.

Pets: Your dog is just barely above a tree on the water priority list. Make him drink milk or orange juice.

People who order water at restaurants: These arrogant gluttons should be publicly ridiculed. Steal it off their table and flush the toilet with it. Accuse them of treason.

Here are some active ways to refill the reservoirs:

1) Take jugs, jars, bottles, pots, pans, - anything you have - drive to Florida and steal water out of its sinks, lakes and streams. Bring it back and dump it into the river. Simple.

2) Run your air conditioners, especially the ones in Russell Hall, on full-blast. Collect the condensation in a dish under the unit. You literally are drawing water out of thin air.

You may dismiss this as a short-term solution. Well then, the University should cancel construction of Tate II until further notice and focus all construction on building solar toilets. These are water-free and use the power of the sun to dry out your ... well, you get the idea.

So, there. One alumnus has accepted the challenge and single-handedly thwarted the water "crisis."

And if it doesn't work, God forbid, all you out-of-state, opinionated non-locals will have to stay away from Athens next semester.

Traffic will decrease, bars will thin out and I won't feel guilty every time I take a shower.


- Michael Jones is an alumnus from Athens with a degree in English.

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