Spring Break
Tebow's story too good to be the truth
NICK PLAGMAN
Issue date: 10/20/09 Section: Opinions
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I first heard of "Timmy!" while dating a chick who'd gone to Florida for undergrad and physical therapy school, thus doubling the annoyingness of her Florida fanaticism. This devotion clouded her judgment to such an extent that she was actually delusional enough to believe Tebow's a virgin. Yes, we can all agree that if he weren't a football star he could be a virgin, but this is simply not the reality.
We were out in Atlanta a couple of Octobers ago when the discussion of college football came up. My friend, who happens to be a real doctor, mentioned to my physical therapist "doctor" girlfriend that he would love to see Tebow break both of his legs. Was that a violation of the Hippocratic Oath, you ask?
Only if he witnessed the leg-breaking, or partook, and failed to come to Tebow's aid.
It's bad enough when highlights of women's (insert sport here) does it, but on Sept. 27, the story stealing time from NFL highlights on SportsCenter was Tebow's concussion. Now, I don't know any of the facts other than what I saw before I changed the channel, but that's not going to stop me from giving my opinion. If there's one thing college football fans are good at, it's giving their opinions even though they have no idea what they're talking about.
No matter how toolish a player is, with the exception of Michael Vick, I don't wish physical harm on any player. You should want your team to win because they're better, not because the other team's star player got hurt.
All Tebow has to do is wait for one of his wide-receivers to get open and turn a 6-yard pass into a 50-yard touchdown. But while Tebow's stats clearly are not commensurate with his skill level, fans of LSU, FSU, UGA and every other school Florida has played can take solace in the fact that Tebow will be the next JaMarcus "I held out for a year and now I'm worse than Vick" Russell in the NFL.
But what about Tammy Tebow the tool? You can't fault the guy for beating everyone's favorite team in football. If he's a great quarterback in Florida's system and keeps kicking the crap out of your team then tell your team to get better. But what most certainly does vault you several tool levels to the status of "Ultimate tool" is convincing thousands of gullible Florida fans that you're a virgin.
Now granted, the man looks like an ugly Brendan Fraser, but is that really going to matter when you're the Heisman and BCS Trophy winning quarterback of a college with an insane amount of hotties?
If there is one difference between men and women, and I do believe that there are at least four, it's that men could never stoop so low as to hook up with a chick because she's a big-shot. You think Oprah has guys throwing themselves at her? Um, no - that's why it was funny on Chappelle's Show. The most famous college football player in the country is getting more tail than Bill Clinton on a rescue mission to North Korea, or Bill Clinton at a fundraiser, or Bill Clinton in Delaware, you get the idea.
Oh, but Timmy is a good Christian boy with good Christian values, and to even imply otherwise would crush his Christian missionary parents. Yeah, whatever. No man can turn down 15,000 Florida hotties every night for four years.
I don't know that for a fact, but if my friend's cousin says she hooked up with him I believe it.
And if 14,999 other girls say the same thing, I believe them, too.
- Nick Plagman is a graduate student from Atlanta majoring in journalism.
